Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep...
Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt..
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom..
Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Before I Was A Mom
Touching little stories
I was cleaning out the pockets of my six-year-old's winter coat, when I found a pair of mittens in each pocket. Thinking that one pair must not be enough to keep her hand warm, I asked her why she was carrying two pairs of mittens in her coat. She replied, "I've been doing that for a long time, Mom. You see, some kids come to school without mittens and if I carry another pair, I can with them and then their hands won't get cold." -By Joyce Anderson
Author and lecture Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climed onto his lap and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry." -By Ellen Kreidman
One day their drill sergeant came out and threw a hand grenade into a group of young soldiers. The men all ran away and took cover away from the grenade. Then the drill sergeant told them that the grenade was not set to explore and he just did it to see their reaction. The next day a newly recruited soldier joined the group. The drill sergeant told the other soldiers not to tell the new soldier what was going to happen. As the drill sergeant came out and threw the grenade into the crowd of soldiers, the new soldier, not knowing it wasn't going to explode, threw himself on top of the grenade to prevent it from killing the other men. He was willing to die for his fellow soldiers. That year the young man was awarded the only medal for courage and bravery that had not been won during battle.
I Could Be A Bear
Being a mother has changed my life, but of course it changes every womens life. It truely is a blessing. I honsetly can't explain into words how I feel and how it makes me feel. It's amazing to carry a human inside as it devolopes into the most wonderful thing in the world; a miracle. It's such an accomplishment and once that little baby is in your arms the emotions that run through your body are everlasting. I couldn't stop crying happy tears once Hailey came into this world. I knew I was going to be emtional, but I really didn't think I was going to cry for 15 minutes straight afterwards! Giving birth was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I wouldn't change it for anything and I appreciate everyone who was there to share it with me. It just tickles me pink that we created such a precious little thing. I hope we can be some pretty darn good parents. She makes me giddy just looking at her :) And as Grandpa and Uncle Justin put it, "She's better than the t.v."
As the years go by I am honored that Jim and I get to watch Hailey grow into a wonderful darling little woman. For me to be the one to nourish and then to see her grow from it is truely wondrous. I'm excited to see her first steps, hear her angelic laugh, and hear her first words. I know the the first time she says "I love you Mommy" will be the greatest moment ever, second to giving birth to her :) I'll probably cry a little even. The first time she smiled at me warmed my heart and, yet again, I cried but I was laughing as I was crying. It was beautiful. I often wonder what kind of personality she'll have, what all her favorite things will be, what her voice will sound like, will she be like mommy or will she be like daddy, will her and Kitty get along or will she be dragging him by the tail around the house. I want those moments to come, but I also want her to stay my tiny little bundle. And then of course there's going to be even more firsts down the road: her first day of school, her first best friend, her first boy friend, her first heart break, her first job, her sweetsixteen...and the list goes on.
"There's only one pretty baby in the world, and every monther has it." I love that quote becsaue it's so true. Hailey is the reason I was put on this earth and I hope we can give her all that she deserves. You bet your butt she will be a spoiled little girl down to the core, maybe not with all the material things, but she is loved oh so much by oh so many people. But then again, how could we say no to that pretty little face? ;)
My life has just begun and it's going to be an awesome ride!
I will never have another boring day! :)
♪ ♫ A Little Girl Of My Own ♪ ♫
♥ My forever and for always, favorite song. ♥
Everybody said to me
You would be a little girl.
Something special in my eyes,
A sweet suprise, a little girl.
I imagine a day when I give you a doll
with a pretty pink dress,
Yes my little girl,
You'll be the sweetest one of all.
Everybody said to me
You would be a little girl.
Something special in my eyes,
A sweet suprise, a little girl.
I imagine a day when we go hand in hand
To buy a pretty blue dress,
Yes my little girl,
To wear for your first dance.
I always heard my mother say,
She loves me in a special way.
Now I have the chance to know,
I have a little girl of my own.
You may not understand, little girl,
But there may come a day when love will bless your way
And give to you a little girl of your own.
Everybody said to me
You would be a little girl.
Something special in my eyes,
A sweet suprise, a little girl.
I imagine a day when I'd be by your side
To choose a pretty white dress,
Yes my little girl,
Will someday be a bride.
I always heard my mother say,
She loves me in a special way.
Now I have the chance to know,
I have a little girl of my own.
A little girl of my own.
A little gril of my own.
-Julie Chapman
Smiles put on my face
Reliving the past
Blessed Life as Mrs. Veretto
Feb 13, 2010
I realized today {2.13.10}, after Jim and I got to talkin, that the stories he tells about his life before me are something I just can't picture. I truly believe I was sent here as his angel to turn his life right side up. Things have changed and my way of thinking has changed. Jim is my husband and the daddy of my baby girl he has vowed to spend the rest of his life with me as I have with him. To be his angel and to be the mother of Hailey Jaymes is what I was sent here to be and that is what I have accepted and love! Life is lookin pretty good. We may still be living paycheck to paycheck and pinchin pennies so we can afford diapers at the end of the month, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I know I don't have the perfect life and it is tougher than I would like and I know if I wait it out our time will come where we wont have to struggle any longer. So I'm waiting and while I'm waiting I'm going to become a better person and love this life I have been given. If I think possitive my life will be full of positives...I'm going to try, but I know not everyday my thinking will be like todays thinking and that's why I had to write down my exact feelings so I can come back and read and reread this blog and hopefully how I'm feeling now will come back to me everytime I doubt myself and my life. It could be a lot worse; I wish it were a little financialy better, though. My family and friends don't have to accept this life I live because, quite frankly, I don't care anymore. Too many people have given me thier 2 cents (that I didn't ask for) and if that's the person you want in your life then you'll have to look else where for her. I'm done living my life the way YOU want me to. I have my Husband and I have my daughter and they are all I need to be complete.
Best Day of 2010 <3
It's February 12, 2010 and so far it is the best day this year :) . I was woken up this morning by my husband who was in Cozad the past couple of days helping my dad pack and move. Then when Hailey woke up he went to go take care of her and then I fell asleep again and got about another hour of sleep. I was then woken up again by husband who was holding my favorite Mcdonalds breakfast! <3 Hailey took a long 2 hour nap and I got to take a shower before heading off to watch the twins. Grandma watched Hailey while Jim slept and I went to work. Hailey got a Valentines day gift from grandma and she got a pair of legwarmers I have been wanting for her :) When we got home my husband said he wanted to take me out to dinner, we went to my favorite place, Texas Roadhouse and stuffed ourselves silly. Blythe and Sarah came over and watched our little mini me. When we got home Hailey was sound asleep. Jim and I had a relaxing night alone watchin some tv and having a couple margaritas in bed. We had the most amazing sex I have ever had <3 good stuff! Good day!
Away from home
I'm realy only reposting this from my Myspace to remind myself of how I felt back there at that particular time...this blog is bitter sweet to read. I read it and think of how it was and I also think...just to be living back home would be friggin great. Oh well, I know it'll happen again and hope that's soon!
Originally named:
Moving....
I'm giving up and I'm kind of disappointed with myself, but it's either that or literally jump of a cliff (I almost did the other day!) I'm moving back to Texas...Jim is on his way here as I type this and we'll be leaving in a few days. It was a spur of the moment thing because I can't take it anymore. I thought I was going to get this nanny job, but I've heard nothing and It really depresses me how I've had 3 interviews and no call backs, I've applied to west corp., Omaha public school, kids club, payless, Ashley Lynns, DSW, I've put my resume on monster.com and omahahelpwanted.com and I haven't heard anything. Its becoming overwhelming how I cant even get a job to take care of just my daughter and me. I feel I've done all I can do with an empty tank of gas and trying to stretch out the use of diapers. Being cooped up in the house all day is driving me nuts. I'm spending way too much time with Hailey and she is driving me crazy. I find my self loosing my temper at her, when she's only a baby and then I absolutely hate myself for it...thus bring me to think I’m a horrible mother who can’t get a job and can't stand her own kid sometimes. Jim tells me he's changed and I hope he can prove that to me. I hope with us being down there with his supportive family helping us out and...well supporting us, that we'll be a little happier and then eventually a lot happier. Housing down there is less expensive so I'm not expecting to live with his mom for a very long time. I'm hoping I have a better chance of getting a job down there. I'm not having any luck here so I guess trying something different is the best option. I know I've disappointed a lot of people and I hate hate hate taking Hailey away from my family, but we are taking her to her other family who loves her just as much and we will eventually move back...I don't plan on living there forever. I know I'll get home sick. I'm scared to move, but I'm also terrified of trying to live here the way I've been living for any longer. I'm definitely not as strong as I thought I was.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Have faith....in you!
"This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them, are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."
— Marilyn Monroe
There is no anxiety worse than the anxiety of uncertainty.
~I was told to follow my heart. Now look at me; I'm heartbroken, depressed, and I'm so lost, I don't know what is what anymore.
~Every day it gets harder and harder to fake that smile.
~Depression isn't a sign of weakness,It's a sign telling you you've been trying to be strong for too long!!
~Don't judge me unless you have looked through my eyes, experienced what I have, and cried as many tears as me.
~Having a teddy bear doesn't mean you're immature. They are the only ones that don't laugh when you cry.
~Ever feel like you can't take it anymore?
~Beneath the Smiles and the Lies, Hides a Girl that Cries.
~I get up every day go out with a fake smile on, pretend nothing is wrong when really it's killing me inside and i just want to cry
~You see my smile, you hear my laugh...But you don't see the tears, you don't hear the sobs.
~I wish I was 5 again where the only reason you cried was because you fell off the swing!
~When I do something good, no one notices. But when I do something bad or it looks like I've nothing at all, like I'm not trying my ass off, everyone sees.
~We are all going through different battles and struggles, but we also handle them very differently & where you get your strength is another story.
~I may have a smile on my face, but have you really looked into my eyes?
~Hope is not pretending that troubles do not exist. It is the trust that troubles will not last forever, that hurts will be healed and difficulties overcome.
~Just needs to lay down, forget my troubles, cry a little, and make everything look okay, when it actually isn't.
~I'm probably not what I should be; I know I'm not what I could be..I'm definitely not who I want to be, but I'm sure not who I used to be.
~Keeps trying to put herself back together, but can never find all the pieces...
~You don't need to give reasons for the things you do--you just have to do what u want. And sometimes the thing that seems messed up to everyone else is what's right for you.
~I may go from not talking to being the happiest person you see...the happy part is just a show
~I'm physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.
~Smile and no one will see how broken you are inside.
~Hates it when people say "What have you got to be depressed about?" Walk a day in my shoes, then and only then, can you judge me!
~Was going to say " I just don't know anymore", but then I realized that I never really knew in the first place.
~Fake a smile, hide your heart. Pretend like it's not all falling apart.
~Maybe one day it will be ok again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be ok again.
that's just the way my life goes
People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost. -Dalai Lama
This quote is to you, my friend, from me. Nobody's life is perfect and mine is on the far bottom of the list right above the imperfect end. I did everthing in a sort of zig zaggy, chutes and ladders kind of way. From saying I love you over the phone, meeting him in an airport halfway across the country for the first time, moving him up here and living with him right from the start, moving again to Texas and then back up here, then getting pregnant, getting a home together, and finally getting married. We completely skipped the dating part and went straight to sharing a bank account.
It worked for us for awhile there. I was fine with having our unique spontaneous wedding because I wanted to be husband and wife before our daughter came into this world. Everything doesn't have to be done by the book or by how you think it should be done. The reason we have problems now isn't because we did things ass backwards. Rushing into it was the only way for us to be together at the time and I don't regret a thing, I wanted to be his and I still do. So give me your two cents and I'll take it with a grain of salt and then brush it onto the floor when you're not looking because it's my life, not yours and it's not yours to be blabbin' to anybody but me about, if you must talk about me at all.
So I'm not lost and I'm not on the wrong path, I'm simply on a different road than you. Who wants to be on the same road as everyone else anyways? That's boring!!
(Posted on Myspace Aug 2, 2010. I've decided to delete my profile and so I'm updating this one :) )
